Quick Realization....

This last weekend, while at church, I started to unravel what has been the trigger to all my late night thinking sessions.  I hadn't been to church in about a month and that was my original thought.  I had figured that my spirit was dehydrated and it needed to wet her feet in a cool pool of worship. I knew that wasn't truly it but it sounded spiritual at the time.  I then tried to get to the root, connect to my insanity.  Perhaps it was because Tommy has been gone for four months and all the little things that has happened while he is TDY.  I knew that wasn't it, but it sounded logical at the time.  I searched my mind until I hit a mental speed bump.  I came to the realization that I need to reboot my social network.  

I have made friends with people that don't necessarily inspire me nor support me.  These past four months, only a few have asked how things have gone, checked up on me or even asked how Tommy is doing.  Only a few people listen to my stories and allow me to share my thoughts and ideas, very few. I did a friendship inventory and I have emotionally invested in the wrong people.  I'm not saying they are wrong people, just wrong for me.  I have started to second guess conversations and whether I'm in the right church since its been impossible to make any true connections.  Then again, it's been difficult to make any true connections in the Springs. I couldn't help but wonder, maybe it's me.  I have listened way more than anyone has ever listened to me.  I can recount every story and details of most of what others have shared with me yet I bet none know anything significant that is going on in my life.  I've admired and cherished the wrong people.  

How can I get out of the corner? Out of the shadows? How do I make myself noticed and respected? Is it once a middle child, always a middle child? It feels as if I am holding on to my own one sided relationships and it's strange because...even then, I'm only left with myself.