My mom is a funny creature. She is filled with these wild opinions that go no-where. Her thoughts rummage through the room like a misbehaved child and I'm usually stuck babysitting. She is very anti-religion. She dislikes the heavy burden it places on the spirit, the "rules made by man" and if you couldn't tell, she is a bitter former Catholic. Today, she is Christian, a relationship based follower so the formality of faith truly annoys her. I on the other hand, I'm more liberal in my thinking. I understand her dislike but I don't find her energy on the subject necessary. I feel we express our faith through our own individual gifts and abilities therefore every slice of faith will look different.
However, recently, my thoughts have changed regarding how I respond to my spiritual walk. I thought that God's love was unconditional. I would sing along to the worship song about nothing can separate us from the love of God. I honestly and whole-heartily used to believe that. I thought God's love was this huge oasis of grace and I can swim in mercy. It was all so lovely and comforting and a lie. The truth is, I didn't believe that. Somewhere deep down within, God's love was conditional. I thought that as long as I can keep certain attitudes and thoughts at bay then I would be alright. If I can tithe more, if I volunteered more, be the light and spend more time in prayer etc. I had my Christian to-do list, all accessories of the heart. I was even convinced that all those things were who I was but honestly, it was an aspiration, total nonsense that I told myself day in and day out. Finally, at 2 am, I realized that I've been living a total lie. I didn't believe in God's unconditional love because I felt all this pressure to do and no interest in actually being. I had become my mom's greatest dislike, I got sucked into a form of religion, disgusted as "Christianity."
What happens when I fall or stumble, is it enough to survive on good intentions or does it constantly have to be this heightened level of exhausting intentional intentions. What happens when I don't feel like doing the right thing? I know that sin is exhausting but so is not sinning. I've been conditioned to believe that everything is a sin. How I spend my time, my money and energy. Lately, everything feels so tainted, mostly because I've discovered how I don't honestly believe in God's unconditional love because if I truly did, I would find rest and not restlessness.
I'm not going to hide from God anymore. Instead of denying how I'm feeling, I'm just going to be honest. What if I poured out all my selfish and inconvenient thoughts without any reservations. I sin when I tell myself I have nothing to say. Christianity isn't a laid out menu of right choices. What if living a true Christian life is the acceptance of broken promises, secret moments, hidden agendas and bad attitudes because that is the only path to walk on if I ever truly want to experience true unconditional love. I can find my true strength when I accept that I don't have any. I decided a long ago that I have no interest on "having it all together" because I know people who supposedly do and they are unfriendly. I have always wanted to stay broken but lately, I just want to achieve a flawed perfection because I'm tired of telling myself not to feel certain things, I can't deny my thoughts, fears or feelings any longer because its only through confession that I will ever experience grace.
