When I was in oh I don't know, maybe third or fourth grade, my musician of choice was Christian Contemporary singer by the name of Carman. The way he strung together bible stories to an upbeat tempo kept me inspired and completely uncool with my friends all the way into high school. My earliest memories of Christian music had been a soft and sullen melody, a tune so dull that I'm pretty sure that God nodded off when he listened to it. Originally, I grew up Catholic so up to this point, I had thought faith was a Tuesday at 2 p.m. type of sensation. However, when Carman found his way into my Walkman, I started to believe that maybe, just possibly, God could be fun, kinda like the when the shy kid at school is actually funny.
One song he had was titled "Radically Saved" and I wanted to be radically saved! In grade school, I was a complete nerd, designed with crocked teeth, wide eyes decorated by oversized plastic glasses. My short frizzy hair and over-protected mother helped me pay my dues into my lifetime membership to the Uncoolest Kid Association. So to be radical in anything was exciting for me. Especially if being saved was my ticket into heaven. Heaven was a big deal for me. When kids made fun of me or when my school crush's love wasn't mutual, heaven was my secret golden ticket. I felt "hey, that's okay because I'm going to heaven and they aren't." It was as if God and I had a little secret. Nightly God would say "Hey, don't worry about those kids. I have a special place for you when its your time. Its a total no sister or cat zone. You will have cable television and fried potatoes." I tucked my salvation in my back pocket and held my head high because I was radically saved.
Carman truly did have the best lyrics of his time. He weaved in biblical truths in a fun and comprehending way. He made Christian music exciting and it was the first time I had ever danced during worship. I had wanted to be a kid that grew up in church but my mother was having a spiritual identity crisis so we didn't go to church. I was jealous of my friends who got to go to youth group and if they did invite me, my mother would not let me go.
I would read my Precious Moments Bible and do my best to make sense of some the stories. I would listen to Carman for hours till the batteries would die in my Walkman. I wanted to understand the mind of God. I wanted to be a missionary and do big things for God. I truly wanted to be radically saved. I look back at my younger self and on the surface would think how sweet, a young girl chasing down the heart of God. Yet, was she? perhaps I was tired of living in the shadows of my older sister. I was exhausted of being who I was in school, the ugly duckling on the schoolyard and it was in God I felt pretty, accepted and got to feel the warmth of sun, experiences that I didn't have anywhere else. He was going to help me be a writer and if the kids didn't like me in school, that was fine because God loved me. Is it healthy to continue to seek God from an emotional deficit and don't get me wrong, that's how most are introduced to him but can I truly serve him from that spot? because as I grew spiritually, God became more distant because my needs became more complex. Instead of allowing God to be God and me be me, I wanted God to always be a hallmark card. A "hope you are having a good day" type of God but He isn't. He is so much more than that and I spent many years being bitter that God wasn't chasing me down giving me rainbows. God was to always make me feel pretty and accepted, it was all about me that I lost sight of Him.
Today, I am radically saved and I've learned how to tame my frizzy hair. I also have Carman on my Ipod. I'm still not as active in my church as I wish to be and I've always accepted that I don't always have to feel the warmth of the sun, just as long as I know He holds up the moon.
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